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Now that Christmas is over, let’s see if we can sum up Christianity.


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An invisible, magic man in the sky needs to come down to Earth. This being is all powerful, but decides to set some rules to his behavior. He wishes a human woman pregnant so that she will give birth to himself so he can finally walk the Earth, instead of just appearing like a normal supreme being. Adding onto this rule of “must be born”, he decides he can only do this once and calls his newborn self “his only begotten son”. Absolutely no extras and no self defense powers; that’s cheating (his own made up rules).


Now the reason he is doing this is to save humanity from their so-called sins. He is so serious about these sins he made a list of them, the worst things a human being can do. This list includes murder, stealing, a whole lot of coveting and only worshiping one sky fairy, not two, yet strangely doesn’t say a thing about child molestation, rape or torture. Different strokes for different folks, I guess. The only way he has decided he can do this, is to be killed in a horribly public and brutal way. He says this will save them, forgetting he also says everything that happens is his will, thereby meaning it will all happen like it will regardless, which in turns negates his birth, death and any and all sins, as well as prayer itself.


While we are on the topic of cancelling himself out, he doesn’t follow his own commandment on killing. He does this a lot in the first part of his book. He murders a whole lot of people, I mean an insane amount of people. When he isn’t killing someone, he is making them suffer (which could explain why “thou shall not torture” wasn’t included on the stone tablet). At one point, this almighty being feels the need to prove to a lesser being how much his servants love him. He picks one out and kills the guy’s entire family and extended family, while inflicting him with horrible disease and makes all his animals drop dead, just to see if the guy will get mad or not. The guy still loves his insane, maniac of a god, so the magic one is pleased and gets to tell the evil lesser being “told ya so”.


The next part this almighty’s rules are that everyone from then on (after the death) must believe in the magic birth and death story or they get sent to the evil, fiery dungeon ruled by the lesser, big meanie, being he likes to show off to. He should have looked into the future and asked a script writer to help fill in the plot holes, because he is doing this in an age of minimal long range communication. So those that physically can’t get word of this story, will have to live and die and be banished to the dungeon. Since he says everything is his will, that means our sadist almighty sky fairy makes people specifically to be tortured by the cooler, lesser being. He doesn’t say anything about any time limits, so we can assume the dungeon is getting packed the second after his human self finishes dying from the sadomasochistic death sentence.


Now for his final trick, he decides to stop being so open about his magic. You see, in the before time he would cast all sorts of crazy spells and let it be known. He would raise multiple people from the dead, rain fire on cities and turn people into salt. He also made sure to label mental illness, a term not yet invented, as possession from the big, evil, horned fella in the fiery dungeon. Now, however, he doesn’t like to do that. He either grew shy about it or wants to make it harder to be believed as a super hilarious joke on his subjects. When he performs a miracle now it usually involves his favorite sports teams winning or losing, making his work harder to spot.


I’m not a fan of this guy. When you’re an all powerful, just do want you want to do and be done with it; no need for overly complicated scripts. But if you are an eternal being with limitless power, I can see how you would get bored and create a nice show to watch; hence, The Bible.

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