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As Christianity Today Demands Trump's Resignation, Church of Satan Steps Up To Welcome All Trumpanzees Unto The Fold

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Thank Cthulhu America's sole federally-funded "religious" Holiday is now over for 3/4 of America, and the Nation can get back to cleaning house.


New Rules for having a Happy Christmas morning and Holiday Time with the family-

1. Do NOT let your kids open their presents and begin playing with them, and then after 30 minutes, announce that they have to put down their toys and get ready to go to Grandma's house.

Kids HATE this part of the Christmas Morning ritual. At least give them a  couple hours to break that new radio-controlled Robot you spent $199 on at Target before you make them bundle up and make the 3 hour drive to the one place they are not allowed to be kids.


2. Those Gingerbread Houses you built only 3 weeks ago at Thanksgiving? They are LONG past being edible, and are harder than diamond-infused pieces of granite.

Sh|t-can them before someone gets hurt on all the sharp edges.


3. No. You can NOT eat last year's Candy Canes, and NO, do NOT give them to the dog.


4. You like your house, right? Do NOT leave your tree lights on or the house lights on when you hit the road on the way through the snow in your sleigh-ride to Grandma's.


5. The Midwest right now is WARMER than it should be, but both Coasts and the Rockies are colder than Kelly-Anne Convict's tits. Bundle up.

And you know all those Grandma's house leftovers you will have in the car tonight or tomorrow night when you make the drive back home??...the turkey, ham, fruit salad, apple pie, pumpkin pie, sweet-potato pie, macaroni and cheese, etc. etc. etc.?

When you roll back into town and pass by your local Shopping Center where the Kroger's or Safeway of Piggly-Wiggly is....take a quick pass through the empty Parking Lot. Chances are you will find someone rummaging through the garbage bins, looking for food. THAT is the person you should be giving Grandma's turkey and stuffing and gravy to. Trust me. It will be the BEST Christmas present you've EVER given, and the best gift that person receives. Throw in a $20 so the person can stay warm and have a couple hours away from his or her problems...no strings attached. It's called UNCONDITIONAL GIVING. And it's what Jesus would do, if he were real.  


6. Spend every possible spare second you have while you're off work with your kids. You never know when your Ticket is gonna come up. A drunk driver, a surprise cancer, a stray bullet....all of these unlucky things can make this Holiday your last. Live each day like it IS your last, and you'll have no regrets when the real Last Day comes. At the very least...tell all the people you live that you love them. Out loud. In public. They don't hear it enough. And you don't say it enough.


7. Do NOT deep-fry your Turkey. This is the #1 fire-causing Holiday home accident. If you MUST have deep-fried turkey, then talk someone you could care less about into deep-frying THEIR turkey, and then ask for some as the Fire Department cleans up the the ashes.


8. When you see the local kids shooting at your Xmas lights with their new BB guns....pretend you didn't see them. That's what the adults did when YOU and YOUR friends did the same thing back in the 1970's after you opened up your presents and Dad had convinced Mom that you were old enough for a Daisy BB gun. Pass the Love forward.


9. Call an Uber after the 2nd drink. It isn't worth the $20,000- $30,000 hit on your licence, life and family when you get that DUI. Not to mention the chance you might kill someone who isn't stupid or arrogant enough to think they can drive with a "light buzz" and get away with it "this one time." Heck, I deserved over 1000 DUI's back 30 years ago when I used to drink, and I just got lucky. That was then, and this is NOT then. You won't be lucky. You'll be in jail, with no licence and a Breathalyzer installed in all your vehicles.


10. Get through December 24th to January 3 ALIVE. It's the BEST present you can give to yourself, your kids, spouse, and especially, your Mom. She is the reason you are here, in the first place. 

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